Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I am here...

At the beginning of this journey with Isaac, the first few weeks of what we thought was a diagnosis of a cogential heart defect, the sweetest mom reached out to me through a mutual friend. I can remember being so overwhelmed reading about all the possible things that could go wrong. And suddenly here was this picture of hope, this precious little girl who had been born with some of the same heart defects they found in Isaac. She was just turning three and had made it through the first two open heart surgeries with success and had the final surgery scheduled for this summer. She offered encouragement and hope at such a scary time for us. Last week when I saw an update on her on a friend's facebook page it reminded me of them and her surgery. When I checked in I saw they had just completed the final surgery, but ran into some complications and she was in critical condition. The last thing I remember reading is a comment from a friend that she was doing better. I went to bed that night praying for a miracle, praying for God to heal her. Tomorrow would be a big day for Lauren, I just knew it.
Last night I thought to check in, and saw an update that she had passed away on Friday. Suddenly the room seemed to spin, and I couldn't see, it was all I could do not to throw the computer across the room. WHY, WHY, WHY the hurt, the pain, the loss. Why the suffering of another family losing a child. Another mommy who desperately wants her child back. As I walked through the house in a blur of tears towards bed, I checked on Anastacia, and there was my precious little girl, curled up with "Isaac Bear." And I got mad all over again, I don't want a bear, I am a mommy who desperately wants her son back. My daughter wants her brother back. Even if it was just to hold him for a short time and see his beautiful eyes for the first time.
I could feel myself falling deep down into the darkness, into the sorrow, into the place that is so easy for me to go to, where hurts are justified and grief overwhelms. The dark place where I am just broken. Where my prayer simply becomes "God, I need you."
And He ever so quietly whispers, I am here...
In the midst of the anger, the pain, the grief, the sorrow, the darkness, the suffering, He whispers, I am here...
I have never left your side, I have been with you every step of the way, and I am here...
But God, I lost my son. I know, so did I. And right there in the middle of it all he promises, I am here...
And He asks please do not let go, please do not turn away, I promise you through Me there is hope. Hold on, I am here...
"Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5
Take Him your hurts, your pain, your struggles. I am learning He would rather me go "toe to toe" with Him, rather than turn my back in silence. I am not alone, He hears me and He will make an altar of my suffering. It is okay to trust Him, but still question. To love Him, but still struggle with anger over His plan.
"I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and he hear me. He set me free from all my fears." Psalm 34:6
I don't know where you are today, but if you can try to turn towards Him, even just for a bit, even if all you manage is "God, I need you," He will meet you right where you are. He sees you even when you can't see Him and He is ready to catch you in His arms and whisper, I am here.
"For I hold you by your right hand-I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, 'Don't be afraid I am here to help you." Isaiah 41:13


Please allow this sweet family into your prayers today.....Prayers for love, comfort, and most of all peace that truly transcends all understanding.

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