Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Monday, June 6, 2011

The call...

I suppose it could be compared to the same feeling that you would have when the phone rings in the middle of the night with news of a hurt loved one......

Late Friday afternoon we received a phone call from our high risk Dr. in St. Louis, the minute I saw the number on caller id my heart flipped. Instinct told me it couldn't be great news, we weren't supposed to hear until Tuesday morning at the earliest. I answered and at the same time texted Amos from my cell phone to come home if he could, I was on the phone with the doctor. Bless his heart, in hind sight I am sure I scared him to death. He told me he drove about 100 on the way home. The doctor once again went over the severity of the heart defect and the significance of that alone. And then said he had preliminary results back and they "overwhelming pointed to Trisomy 18". This means our sweet baby boy has an extra 18th chromosome. Initially one thinks, what is one more gene, but unfortunately this one extra gene sets off a tornado of consequences. The doctor was very compassionate and said he would support whatever decision we made at this point. Decision, we had to make a decision? We both felt like we were just walking in a fog..... the decision he was eluding to was to continue with the pregnancy. I asked what do you see other women do at this point, and was told that 90% do not continue with the pregnancy since Trisomy 18 is considered a "fatal fetal anomaly."

We have told the doctors, all of them, over and over, no matter what is found, terminating the pregnancy was just not an option for us. But to really have to cross that path? I have thought often the last few days of our marriage vows-you remember that part of the vows "for better or worse, till death do us part", and how we have watched couples struggle with pain and work through the difficulties and stick with the marriage. You make a vow, but to really have to cross the path and that vow be tested? If I am gut wrenchingly honest, the thought did cross my mind, that " if there was some way to erase, start over, run, maybe we should think about it." And then I got so nauseous I wanted to throw up. This life, our baby, is a miracle, he is God's creation, he was given to us for a reason. I thought of a Psalm I have read often the last couple of weeks...

Psalm 139:13-16 "You made all the delicate inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."

How could I read that, have faith in God's word, and then think what, He just forgot about our baby? Didn't know or lay out all of our child's moments? As Amos said to me today- God will show us with time, the good to come from this. I laughed, my response was "He must have more confidence in us than I do." A sweet friend said to me, thank goodness God made you his parents. For some reason He gave us this responsibility. Not that I want it. I wouldn't wish the last few weeks on anyone. We prayed for so long to have another child, a sibling for Anastacia, all we ever wanted was a healthy child. But for some reason we are on this journey. The last thing I want anyone to think is that we haven't struggled with our faith or with walking this path. We by no means have it all figured out. Giving up control is a constant struggle for me, Amos is the one who always says "it is out of our hands, He is in control," and then he has complete peace with the decision. Amos asked me today to consider telling our story, if for no other reason maybe it could help someone else in the future. If you are ever faced with something of this magnitude, pray, pray and pray some more. Ask trusted friends and family to pray. And then take time and trust that He will lead and guide all of your steps and the path that you are walking. I hesitated writing and telling any of this, for a couple of reasons, one being I have a lot of moments I just want to stick my head in the sand and hide for the next several months. The other part of me that hesitated is because we want to protect our little family, we want the prayers to be purposeful, and intentional, we don't want worry or the pity. Each moment, each day we both feel a little stronger. We know both the strength and peace we have started to feel are only a result of so many praying for us.

Today we met with our OB in Tulsa, I can't begin to tell you how much peace I felt leaving her office. We couldn't be more blessed to have a more compassionate and loving doctor. She answered all of our questions, and took the time to reassure Amos of my safety over the next few months. I told her the statistics the Dr. in St. Louis gave us, and she seemed surprised and said she honestly hadn't even considered that as an option for us. Oh, the peace we felt at that point. She is going to personally arrange and take care of all our our visits and care from this point forward. I can't tell you the relief I felt of not having to go to another specialist. She is going to monitor the pregnancy and our baby with ultrasounds every 2 weeks and I was instructed if I am worried about the amount the baby is moving to just come, don't worry about calling, just come by and she will check for his heartbeat. His heartbeat today was amazingly strong, 155bpm and is bouncing around kicking as I write this! We aren't sure what to expect from here on, and just ask for prayers to continue to have peace and strength for this journey. Anastacia has been amazing, as I just told someone she is good for both of us, she has the ability to touch our souls it seems right now. We get lots of "lovin's and snuggles" and God continues to speak to us daily through her. Please pray for wisdom and guidance for us as parents. Pray that we don't over indulge or spoil her out of guilt. Pray for our marriage, that we would both communicate and also respect each other's differences in "coping", and above all that we hold tight to our love for each other. Most of all pray, pray, pray for healing for our sweet little boy.
We continue to focus on Mark 11:22-24 "Have faith in God. I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, 'May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,' and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you've received it, it will be yours."
We aren't naive, and know what the doctors say but also know that this is a mountain, a big mountain at that and if faith were easy there would be no mountains! Thank you all so much for the calls, emails, texts, meals, support. As we have said before we couldn't get through this without our faith, family and friends. Love you all!

1 comment:

Carri said...

I am praying. We love you guys!